Oooookay, here’s the first ass-kicking episode! There will probably be some technical difficulties, because my so-called BFF Edna –

 

EDDY: You are already so dead.

 

My BFF Eddy has decided to horn in –

 

EDDY: Help.

 

Help me by beta-reading LAIR. You should probably ignore her, but no one in the history of the universe has been able to yet, so good luck. Here we go.

 

THE LAIR OF THE SHOGGOTH MAGE!

Episode One, Prelude to HORROR!!

 

In a hole in a hill there lived a shoggoth.

 

EDDY: Um, no. Just no. Especially if the shoggoth ate Bilbo Baggins for tea.

 

Deep in the trackless frozen heart of Antarctica, far from the research stations that cling to the fringes of the great southernmost continent, there rise unknown to men the highest mountains of the Earth!

 

EDDY: Like with modern tech, any huge freaking mountains would be unknown.

 

It’s like 1925, dude.

 

EDDY: Like, I’m going to assume that?

 

Shut up. Here:

 

1925


Deep in the trackless frozen heart of Antarctica, far from the research stations –

 

EDDY: Did they have research stations back then?

 

Deep in the trackless frozen heart of Antarctica, when there AREN’T YET any frickin research stations clinging to the fringes of the great southernmost continent, there rise [EDDY: 1925, past tense, you think?] [no, because they’re still THERE!!! Plus historical present, genius] [EDDY: Whatever.] the highest mountains of the Earth! And within the vast ark [EDDY: arc] of those peaks of potent terror [EDDY: the Viagra Range or what?] of lurking terror [EDDY: Kill the adjectives, god. This already looks like you spilled grape juice all over it.]

 

TO BE CONTINUED, ONCE I GET RID OF BETA READER. MAN, THIS WRITING CRAP’S HARD.

 

ANNE: Told you so.